Self-compassion and how you can have it with Psychologist, Basmah Kahil.

Post-covid there has been an increase in awareness around mental health issues like anxiety depression and trauma. We've become more compassionate towards people that are experiencing them and their effects, knowing to checkin on them and be a listening ear. Ironically, this same compassion that we so willingly express towards others, can be one of our very own shortcomings.

Eager to find out more about self-compassion or its lack thereof - we spoke with Registered Psychologist, Basmah Kahil, about the effects it has on our wellbeing.

What does it mean to have a lack of self-compassion?

Self-compassion is about turning the same kindness and understanding we offer others, inwards towards ourselves. So a lack of self-compassion means that when we make mistakes, fail, fall short of our own expectations, or are having a hard time (all of which will inevitably happen at different points in our life), we’re less likely to forgive, and more likely to harshly criticize and make negative judgments about ourselves. 

What are the types of experiences that cause women to lack self-compassion?

There are many reasons why women are not compassionate to themselves, but for the most part it’s because it was never modelled and taught to us. From a very early age we witnessed our mothers self-sacrificing and putting their needs last; we heard how others were spoken about and treated when they got things wrong; and many of us didn’t grow up in environments where there was room for mistakes, misunderstandings and short comings. 

The way our caregivers interacted with us in those moments when we did stuff up - whether verbally like being screamed at or called names, or non-verbally like being given the silent treatment or side-eyed, becomes the language of our internal world. This critical voice becomes our default setting which we operate from. 

Mix this with unrealistic expectations placed on our women by society, our community and ourselves; and unfairly comparing our experiences with those around us, and we have the perfect recipe for a lack of self-compassion. 

What is a common belief of women that lack self-compassion, in particularly within our community?

Many women who lack self-compassion don’t actually realise how self-critical they really are until they tune into their thoughts. And when they do, they realise their thought process involves a lot of shaming and berating around their self-worth and capabilities such as “I’m so dumb”, “I’m not enough” “There’s something wrong with me”. Their self-criticisms is also fuelled by “Should” and “Should not” statements: where we place these rigid rules on ourselves without considering the whole picture. And if we don’t follow these “rules”, then we believe we’ve failed, we’re inadequate, we’re unworthy. For example: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I shouldn’t have done that”, “I should’ve known better”, “I should be able to do handle X, Y or Z”. 

How do women feel when they lack self-compassion?

Not good at all! When we are overly critical of ourselves, we set off a vicious cycle of shame, guilt and self-hate. 

The inner-critic within us make us believe we need to speak to ourselves in a certain way if we want to ‘do better’ or ‘learn for next time’, but in reality, it does nothing except hinder our ability to learn and create internal feelings of inferiority, doubt and failure. 

Research continues to show that we are more likely to learn from our mistakes when we offer ourselves compassion as opposed to harsh criticism. And this doesn’t mean we need to baby ourselves either. It means that when we do stuff up, acknowledge that it was an unfavourable situation, forgive our shortcomings, and think how and what we can improve for next time. 

What are long term effects of having a lack of self-compassion on a women’s personal life? Family life? Career?

Imagine living in a run down and broken home that’s in desperate need of some TLC. Stay in it long enough, and it will begin to significantly impact your mood, behaviour and overall wellbeing. 

And that’s the same thing with our mind! When we make it an unpleasant place to live, it will inevitably wear us down. 

Individuals who lack self-compassion often experience: low self-esteem and confidence in their abilities and decision-making skills; perfectionism and high levels of anxiety when completing tasks because they want to make sure to “get it right”; low mood because they feel they can “never get it right”; and anger and resentment because they are in a constant battle with their mind- which is sometimes projected onto people close to them. All of this makes it very difficult for individuals to authentically connect with their surroundings, enjoy the beautiful things life has to offer and progress in different parts of their life.

What steps should be taken to improve a woman’s relationship with herself and restore her self-compassion?

There are many ways to improve our relationship with ourselves but for the most part here are three things we can start doing:

One, acknowledge that we will all get things wrong, and make mistakes at different points in our life. Not because we are defective, but because we are human. Shortcomings are a part of our being, and that’s ok.

Two. Learn to notice these critical thoughts: When do they come about? What do they say?
Three, respond to the inner critic with the two C’s: Compassion and Challenge. 
Responding compassionately is talking to the inner-critic like it’s a friend who is having a hard time- because underneath all of that self-critisms IS a person who is having a hard time. What would you say to them? What do they need to hear to reduce their distress? 
We want to practice replacing the critical thought with a compassionate statement.

Challenging the critical thought means not taking it as absolute truth! Instead look at alternative explanations and meanings for what could be happening and be kind to yourself in the process. 

For example: You’ve spent the whole day cleaning and running errands and haven’t had time to make dinner, so you make your kids a cheese sandwich with some fruit. Your inner critic screams: “You’re such a bad mum!”. Challenging the thought might sound like: “I’ve been really busy all day doing other important things for my family, my children will still go to bed with full tummy’s and that means I’m a caring mum”.

A thought, Quranic verse or Hadith you’d like to leave the reader with?

Compassion has an important place in our Islamic tradition. Allah (swt) describes Himself as Al Rahmaan Al Raheem, The Most Compassionate, The Most Merciful; and there are many hadith that speak to the significance of treating our brothers and sisters with kindness and compassion. The way our beloved prophet Muhammad (pbuh) interacted with people around him is a key example of this. 

So it makes you think: If compassion is held in such high regards in Islam, then surely if we were to apply it to ourselves to better our wellbeing, then we will be creating an avenue to come closer to Allah (swt). 

Basmah Kahil is a registered psychologist who assess, diagnoses and treats mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder and their accompanying symptoms. She is really passionate about helping individuals gain insight into how their thoughts, behaviours and experiences influence their current reality; and walk with them as they take steps towards creating positive change in their lives.